The Tattler may have to start subscribing to the Toledo Free Press. This is too funny.

The worst part? I can’t make any goddamn EMU jokes for at least, like, a year. Matt Sussman

The worst part? I can’t make any goddamn EMU jokes for at least, like, a year. Matt Sussman

Futon Report

BGSU’s loss to EMU requires comic penance

Written by Matt Sussman

The real tragedy in having one’s heart embedded in a football team who loses to an inferior football team hurts way beyond the box score.

Case in point: Bowling Green invited fans and alumni on Oct. 4 to Doyt Perry Stadium for a rousing win against traditionally pathetic Eastern Michigan, only to pull back the curtain and reveal a 24-21 loss to EMU. It was a loss so shocking, I was waiting for the ghost of Allen Funt to appear on the JumboTron and ask the crowd to smile for “Candid Camera.”

Sure, losing a game when one’s team is favored by 20-something points is embarrassing, especially when penalties and poor execution killed the Falcons’ chances to put the game away time after time. But what hurts worse is what a joke spinner like myself is no longer allowed to say for the next calendar year. Remember all those extremely easy — and funny — Eastern Michigan jokes I conjured up? I can’t make those anymore. Therein lays the real loss.

Now the Eagles have a bit of confidence as the season progresses, and what if, heaven forbid, they are actually halfway competitive this year? The cosmic imbalance in the Mid-American Conference would be in dire need of a pulley system strong enough to right the ship. For if I — nay, nobody — has room to poke fun at the Eagles then one of the great traditions of college football will fall by the wayside.

Unlike many other crises in the world, I cannot stand idly by waiting for the government to do something. And the swift action will arise in the form of incessant compliments about EMU and the city of Ypsilanti. The logic goes as such: If I cram enough nice things about Eastern Michigan into one article that will balance out future derision about their football team being bad. It’s my only chance to balance the karma.

So here goes nothing:

1. If I had to pick one quarterback to start a game for me, it would be Charlie Batch.

2. The city of Ypsilanti was named after one of history’s most underappreciated war officers, Demetrius Ypsilantis, who helped liberate the Greeks from the Turks in the 19th century. They should totally turn his heroics into a summer blockbuster movie, and more cities need to be named after this great man.

3. No dynasty in collegiate sports went more unnoticed than Eastern Michigan’s curling team, who dominated the Great Lakes region from 2003-2006. Someone call ESPN and tell them we have a great idea for a docudrama.

4. The town of Ypsilanti is so inviting and prosperous; they let the Detroit Shock play their home games of the WNBA Finals at EMU’s Convocation Center because the Palace of Auburn Hills was already booked. They could have played in Ann Arbor or Toledo, but they chose Ypsilanti, and as a result the Shock won their third WNBA title.

5. The Shock’s championship wasn’t the only award clinched in that city. Ypsilanti’s water tower was named “The Most Phallic Building In The World,” according to “Cabinet Magazine.” As Sigmund Freud might say, an honor like that is no doubt enviable by every other town in the world.

I hope five points of praise will be enough for Eastern Michigan and its hometown. Why five? One for each win they’ll have in football for the rest of the decade. Ahh, that felt good. I think the cosmic imbalance has been averted.

Matt Sussman blogs at